Monday, 15 October 2012

That'll Be A 9 For Technique And A 0 For Artistic Merit

A couple of weeks ago I was very manly and used a screwdriver to put up a new stair gate. I could feel the testosterone surging as I worked with tools for the first time this year. The sweat was pouring from my brow and I felt justified in taking a break after 5 minutes of work to read The Sun and eat a Greggs pasty. Anyway much to my amazement the gate stayed up and it performed its telos of keeping the wee man from opening all the cupboard draws. The Chancellor and Funny Mummy often take the piss out of me and say I can not perform DIY, I showed them, in your face. 

Yesterday however the gate broke and the blame was squarely placed on me. Giving The Chancellor an extra hour in bed I was up at the ungodly hour of 7 o'clock on a Sunday with the wee man. As he tore around the living room hyperactive as ever and with me half awake I tripped over him and went flying into the gate. There were various cracks as chunks of plastic snapped off flying off as I fell. The gate 'sort of' works now but you have to lift it and turn it at just the right point for it to marry with with the coupling and even then the coupling is damaged. There was little sympathy for me as The Chancellor awoke and I tried my best to convince her that it still 'sort of' works. It didn't help me that the gate makes an awful noise as you swing it open and shut. By the way I'm ok if anyway wants to know. The fall was pretty embarrassing and I'm glad that the only witness was the wee man, of course I could have blamed him for the whole thing but the Chancellor would never have believed me.

I have a future now in being a tester for such products, I now know the structural integrity of stair gates and how much weight they will bare and it's not much. But I will keep it up to a). prove to people I can work with tools and b). it is now a monument to my masculinity and no one can take the piss again. Think I might go and buy a saw and spend the rest of the day cutting things up but I'll have to keep an eye on the wee man and keep an eye on what I'm cutting...


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